By John David Dyche
Having nothing more pressing to do right now, President Obama recently weighed-in on the controversy over the Redskins nickname of Washington's National Football League team. Some think that name is offensive to Native Americans and want it changed.
Why stop with Redskins? Other NFL team names are also potentially offensive, at least to the ultra-sensitive and politically correct arbiters of such things.
Take the Dallas Cowboys, for example. From old movies and the games American children used to be allowed to play we know what cowboys sometimes did ("Bang!") to those whom we once called Indians. And with their cattle drives cowboys also promoted unhealthy red meat in American diets.
The Indian Packing Company was an original sponsor Green Bay's football team. The Packers name is thus tainted with both bigotry and bad eating habits!
Kansas City's Chiefs are even worse than the Redskins. By exalting only male tribal leaders that nickname promotes illegitimate patriarchal hierarchies, which feminists blame for many problems.
New England's Patriots personify the European white men who stole this continent from those here before them. Honoring these Founding Fathers is especially outrageous since they also failed to abolish slavery or grant women the vote!
By using the Eagle, our national emblem, Philadelphia supports the outdated notion of American exceptionalism. How dare they imply U. S. superiority over other nations!
Cleveland's Browns are named after their founder, but that nickname may nonetheless stigmatize dark-skinned peoples. The names New York Giants and Tennessee Titans suggest superiority over people of smaller stature.
Accurately or not, Vikings, like Minnesota's, are identified with invasion, rape, and pillage. Buccaneers, like Tampa Bay's, are pirates, who commit despicable crimes on the sea. The name and crossed-swords emblem of Oakland's Raiders also approves of violent assault.
New Orleans has the Saints, but such a religious name is inappropriate in our secular state. Separation of church and sport, for God's sake!
The 49ers name glorifies the greed of the gold rush. How inappropriate for a progressive paradise of wealth redistribution like San Francisco. Hippies would be a better nickname, perhaps with a peace sign logo to celebrate the city's status as capital of the Sixties counterculture.
The Steelers nickname invokes the industrial revolution's brutal oppression of workers. San Diego's Chargers nickname implicitly endorses debt.
Bears, Bengals, and Lions are frequently circus acts, which are a form of animal cruelty. That should disqualify the Chicago, Cincinnati, and Detroit team names.
The same goes for Dolphins, like the one on Miami's helmets. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says these intelligent marine mammals are immorally imprisoned at places like Sea World.
The Buffalo Bills are a sad reminder of the slaughter of the bison herds that used to roam the American plains. Broncos, like Denver's, were inhumanely "busted" by cowboys, who then used them to commit the outrages described above.
Arizona's team symbol – a red male Cardinal – represents unacceptable sex discrimination. The brown female of that species deserves equal treatment. The Colts of Indianapolis are also sexist.
By using the name of an expensive automobile driven by the wealthiest one percent, Jacksonville's Jaguars wage class warfare against the other ninety-nine. Houston's Texans name implies support for states' rights and the secessionist sentiments so popular among the racists, rednecks, and tea party types there.
Atlanta is the Falcons, like the F-16 fighter aircraft, and New York is the Jets. Carolina's Panthers sport the same name as Nazi tanks used in World War II's blitzkrieg. These militaristic monikers are inappropriate in modern America.
Baltimore goes by Ravens to honor Edgar Allan Poe, who died there. But alcohol and drugs may have contributed to the author's demise. No nickname should suggest approval of such self-destructive behaviors!
Seattle's Seahawk logo comes from a totem pole. Surely that is just as bad as the Redskin emblem, and pagan to boot!
There are many things this country does not do as well as it used to. But we are better than ever at finding reasons to take offense or be insulted. America's politically correct grievance police see grounds for outrage everywhere.
Let's just identify all our sports teams by number and be done with it. But not odd numbers, of course. We wouldn't want anyone to get the idea that there is anything unusual about them!
Yes, images, names, and words can be hurtful. All satire aside, some epithets are very clearly too bad to use. Still, common sense is required lest we carry sensitivity too far.
John David Dyche is a Louisville attorney and political commentator for WDRB.com. His e-mail is firstname.lastname@example.org.